fuck, I've forgotten how to write.
( or I've forgotten how to write anything decent. )
I've erased this screen 3 times now, for lack of anything worthwhile to read or have written..
It may be the fairly miniscule amount of alcohal, thats brought apon the sudden urge to create. ( alone and unable to sleep. )
or it may be an actual lack of creativity, or non abilty to cultivate anything decent from within the trenches of my not quite sober brain
---
so, that didn't even make sence.
I need a hug.
and candles,
and hot chocolate.
I need to feel more awake when I'm awake and more asleep when I sleep.
When I'm at home I sleep around 2:00
and sleep until 3:00 or 4:00 depending on the time I have to be in to work..
I'm not getting anything accomplished this summer,
No art
No music.
No travel.
that's really all that I had hoped for come summer.
John's been a gift though,really.
the only times, I've painted or made music or done much of anything, has been either with him or for him.
Liana left for isreal on sunday, and I thought she had left without saying goodbye, and I was fairly perturbed..however today I received her voicemails, telling me she loved me and wished I would call her back so she could get my address so she could...
shit
my brain..
oh, send me a postcard.
Eric from palmbrush grill called,
his new boss wants to hire me..
which sounds like
everyone thinks I quit because of what Dan said ( or didn't say..)
Dan called aswell, to say he has a paycheck with my name on it and he sent it to my address ( which I haven't lived at in two years )
and want's to know the new one so's he can send it to me here.
I'll call him tommorow.
God, I might as well be updated my LJ
or something...
I don't right music,
and can only write poems, when I'm particularly heartbroken
( I hate to call them poems, is it okay to call it prose? )
I don't know.
So, I'm a little buzzed...
Missy and Matt left,
awhile ago.
did I mention she brought presents?
nah, that was in one of the entys I erased,
mojito's
flavored turtles.
...no
a hand painted ceramic turtle that you can put little treasures in..
and a hand stuffed tye dye pillow
with some kind of buddhist prayer and an ohm symbol in the middle.
fuck.
I'm bleeding,
you know what i realized?
...this is me
talking to someone
this is almost as bad as outwardly talking to your self.
this is my inner monolouge
communicated.
I don't know how healthy this is
but I geuss, ...
oh,
I'm really bleeding.
..good, blood on the tile
okay.
crisis, undercontrol.
another poem erased.
time to put up the keyboard and head for the the refrigorator and maybe a pencil
PS.
Last night
I had crazy dreams
so many
so intricate
I can't really put them together in words
the only real part in my memory
is that of me
ontop
of a vampire
with a plastic storage box
holding him down
until a friend of mine can return with a large silver kitchen knife
inorder for me to stab him in the chest and end his life.
i hope you don't think I'm crazy
love.
12:38 a.m. - 2008-06-24
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